I’ve shared some basic rules of quarantine, but what you really need to know is that to NOT do.
- Do not spray brunette dry shampoo all over your head right before you go on Zoom (or FB Live or any of it) without checking your ears. A certain someone did just that and turns out brown-tipped ears is not a good look for me.
- Do not pull out all the leftover dregs from your refrigerator at lunchtime and ask people to put back or toss what they don’t eat. Because when you check back in on the pile of food a few hours later it WILL STILL BE THERE but it will look even worse and you will lose your mind and yell at people for 30 minutes before you put it all away yourself.
- Do not call a family meeting because nobody will come and because we all are basically living one never-ending family meeting and oh-my-god why can’t I just pee alone?
- Do not expect a locked door and a PLEASE GIVE ME THIRTY MINUTES TO TAKE THIS CALL IN SILENCE to ever work on any child.
- If you were not a baker before you will not become one now because apparently even in a quarantine you still need to measure crap like baking soda and also, baking soda and baking powder are apparently NOT interchangeable. You’re welcome.
- Do not start limiting people’s egg intake unless you are fully prepared to hide the eggs. Also, do not hide the eggs without writing down where you hid them because you had no memory before this shitshow took off and you’ll have even less when it’s over.
- Do not freeze a banana in its skin. I do not have anything more to say about this. Just don’t do it.
- Do not Google ‘alternatives to toilet paper’ without giving yourself a good 20 minutes for a meltdown. (Because you will see crap like, “You can even cut up old, soft t-shirts into squares.” Let me tell you right now that if I have to start cutting t-shirts for the near-adult men in this house to start wiping their asses with, I am going to have to be institutionalized.)
- It’s important to exercise but do not go overboard and try squats and lunges for the first time in a decade because then you will not be able to climb stairs or even walk and this will slow you down when you asked to fetch things like crayons and snacks and drinks and when a certain child calls you from his bathroom because he has run out of toilet paper, you consider telling him to cut up his t-shirt while he is sitting here.
- Do not spend 23 days in an elasticated waist and then choose this time to go through spring and summer pants with a button. I mean, you can do it, but it won’t be pretty because there is no way in hell those pants are going to fit you and you will just end up cutting up those pants for emergency toilet paper. This is especially true if those pants are white because that color sucks for pants and is just perfect for toilet paper. (Also, learn from my mistakes and STOP looking at your self from behind. Just stop. That ship has sailed.)
It’s been 30 minutes which means it’s time for me to eat something again. Buh-bye summer pants.