Oh, targeted advertising. What to do with you? I can manage the near-constant barrage of ads for bras for flat-chested women, industrial fiber supplements and foolproof at-home hair dye. Really, I can.

But I was not prepared for this:

It seems that between my online activity and not-so-secret conversations, someone thought that my life would would finally be complete if I had a giant magnet for my oven which made it looked like MY CHICKENS WERE TRAPPED INSIDE. I’m scared of my own shadow, but I can think of few things more terrifying than the thought of nine angry hens being trapped in a kitchen appliance, let alone baked alive in my oven. (It does, however, give whole new meaning to “throw a chicken or two in the oven.”) I’ll buy that bra, those supplements and all the hair dye, but I think I’m gonna have to pass on that magnet.

Earlier this week, our kids’ school celebrated the one year anniversary of the day we became the first school to close because of COVID. I don’t think that’s a moniker anyone would chase, but there you have it. One year later, and here we are. I’ve tried to be introspective, or even retrospective and think about what I’ve learned this year, if anything.

1. I will probably never again wear jeans.
2. I know I made fun of Seattleites for distinguishing between daytime fleece and evening fleece, but I now own shiny evening leggings like the ones Olivia Newton John wore in the last scene of Grease (which I just read has been cancelled, so goodbye to all that).
3. I still don’t like to bake and apparently even in the height of the shutdown when I was using paper towel as a coffee filter and contemplating using my old, useless jeans as makeshift toilet paper, baking powder and baking soda are NOT interchangeable.
4. I tried drinking during the week and it is most definitely not for me. Kudos if you can make that work for you.
5. I would rather have ten Pap smears in a row than another Covid test.
6. If you order blue-egg-laying baby chicks online in the middle of the night, you need to remember to cancel them in the morning when you wake up and come to your senses.
7. Also, there is no shame is reordering said chickens after you have cancelled them.
8. Pedicures exist for a reason.
9. When people say that it is hot in hell, I think it’s the kind of heat you experience when wearing a down winter coat, hat, and gloves and are sitting directly on top of an outdoor propane heater.
10. Shutdowns only work for introverts when they get to be alone.

I am about to launch a book a full year after COVID hit us all, and will have to hold off on all in-person events until it’s warm enough to do them outside and we are all feeling a little more secure. In the meantime, if you are looking for me, I’ll be giving myself an at-home facelift to prepare for ZOOMING my way through this launch.

Stay tuned for details.